True confession time. You may think you know me but unless you’ve lived with me, you don’t know what a brat I can be. Just ask my poor husband because I was such a pill to him this weekend. If my granny were still around, she’d say, “Stop being such a piss-ant Kate!”
I’ve never known anyone else who said ‘piss-ant’. Except for granny. I can totally see her, standing in front of the stove frying roast beef hash and eggs for breakfast and waving her spatula around while I picked on my little sister. And telling me not to be a piss-ant. Yes, it means just what you think it means.
Poor Mike. He puts up with my moods way better than I deserve. Not to say he doesn’t fight back, he will stand his ground and let me know when I’m being a complete brat. He’s not a push-over that is for sure. We are both passionate people and we will fight for our position even when it’s not pretty which it rarely is.
Here’s how it went down. We were in Nashville this weekend watching Eli, our almost 3 year old grandson, while Franny and Matt were doing shows on the west coast, taking 1 year old Audrey along with them. We are always happy to watch Eli when they travel.
I adore my grandson and we had all sorts of fun. We went to the zoo and laughed at the monkeys, saw the movie Planes, got a toy Plane named Chupacabra, and cool Spider-Man shoes at Target, enjoyed the Farmers Market (where we had The. Best. Cinnamon. Donuts. Ever, bar none), played hard at the park, jumped on the trampoline, swung high as the sky on the hammock and all around had a blast together. But, it’s been a lot of years since I spent four days with a toddler!
Mike helped. A lot actually, but he does have a business to run which means he has to spend time on the computer and the phone. Which means there were some long stretches where I felt all alone. Which means I got tired. And crabby. Make that uber-crabby. And I, who loves to read her Bible and pray and write about super-spiritual stuff, didn’t exhibit much of Jesus to my husband those four days.
I was too through and and the unvarnished ugly truth is, I let impatience and bitterness, criticism and crabbiness rob me of my joy and spill out of my mouth. The unvarnished and ugly me came flying out and making a mess of my holy confessions.
Because you don’t know what’s in you till you get stepped on and it all comes squishing out.
When we have Eli, he and I are up early, like 6 AM early. My usual calm, quiet time with Jesus and a cup of coffee goes straight out the window. But it’s so worth it to hear him squeal in delight, “It’s a sunny day Mimi!” We are up and at ‘em at the crack of dawn and we don’t stop till nap-time around noon. Then it’s clean up time and if I’m lucky, I’ll sneak in a shower and maybe even put on makeup. I have lots of fun with the cutest boy ever but the truth is, (and all you mamas of young ones know this and are probably snickering right now), it takes a toll. And tires you out. And leaves you drained of all the Christian big-talk.
Humility, serving with joy, patience, yeah, they all fly out the window. And what takes their place, at least in me, is butt-ugly.
- I was not humble. I was demanding.
- I was not patient. I was a jerk.
- I was not kind. I was critical.
- I was not servant-hearted. I was going through the motions.
This morning, back home and well rested after a complete night’s sleep, I went out to the back porch for my quiet time. Coffee, my Bible and My Utmost For His Highest at my side. And in the quiet, God caught my attention, because it’s only when I’m quiet I can truly hear Him.
He ever-so-gently reminded me what a piss-ant I’d been and let me know He and I could have a conversation AFTER I apologized to my husband for my dismal behavior. So, pride swallowed, I did. I repented and asked Mike to forgive me. I admitted this specifically: If all my spiritual pursuits don’t make me more like Jesus, my life is nothing more than a clanging gong, a noisy cymbal. Merely big, annoying sound, signifying nothing.
Just when you think you’ve come so far, reality hits you hard in the face and you find out how far you have to go. Because, without Him,
my. flesh. stinks.
So, today, I’m doing my best to love and serve and be the Christian Godly Woman I want my friends to think I am. I’ll fail again I’m sure. But I really do want to be more like Jesus. I can’t do it on my own and no one is more aware of that than me. And my husband.
So, what about you? Have you ever been a piss-ant to your husband or kids, co-worker or family member? If you can relate, I’d love to hear your story. I’ll pray for you and I hope you’ll pray for me too!