Holding on to Hope

You’ll never get pregnant again.

Our hearts broke as the fertility doctor dropped those cold words on me and my husband. When our daughter was two and a half, I experienced a devastating miscarriage from an ectopic, or tubal, pregnancy. The fertility treatment I’d tried failed miserably. One fallopian tube was gone because of the miscarriage, and the other one was damaged beyond repair from an abortion at 18. With shattered hearts, it was all I could do not to burst into tears and run out of the building. But what we didn’t realize is this: God was still writing our story.

Something collapsed inside me that day as our dreams imploded. The future we envisioned, with lots of children and all the wonderful, crazy chaos they bring, collapsed. I’m the woman who wanted five children, and God, the good Father who gives good gifts, wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Everything worthwhile seemed to evaporate as the doctor uttered his harsh words, “You can always adopt.”

Finding God’s Perspective

Except “everything worthwhile” didn’t evaporate, not really. My husband and I simply didn’t realize it at the time. What we didn’t know then is the lesson He’s repeated so many times since: God is still writing our story. He had a purpose and a plan for everything we went through, but when you’re in the thick of it, it’s nearly impossible to see where you’re heading.

Perspective doesn’t show up right away. It can take years to see clearly and finally see God’s hand in the hurt.

As new Christians at the time, we didn’t understand how sometimes the very dream you cling to, the dream giving your life purpose and joy, may not be God’s dream for you. He may require you to lay down the very dream you hold so dear. Because—and this seems crazy, but it’s true—He has something far better than you could’ve imagined. All He asks is that you trust Him.

When private adoption fails

We planned on having a large family, and it never occurred to us that maybe we wouldn’t. I mean, it’s a good thing to want kids, right? It is, but it’s better to want God’s will, whatever that entails. We were holding on to hope.

We decided the next best thing would be to adopt, so naturally, we made three private adoption attempts, and guess what? Three times, the adoptions fell through just as we neared the baby’s birth. There was even one instance where a baby boy was practically handed to us, but God made it clear he was not our baby. But instead we were to give our blessing to dear friends who were also trying to adopt. We learned a tough lesson through that experience: Just because a blessing falls in your lap doesn’t mean it’s yours to keep. 

Talk about hard! The very blessing you’ve been praying/begging for falls in your lap, and God tells you to give it away. During that difficult year, we learned that sometimes God will let your biggest blessing become your deepest test.

We were right in the middle of our story. Our daughter was young, and my heart’s desire was to give my husband a son to carry on the family name. I didn’t get the son I so desperately wanted, but our daughter has made her dad’s name famous in a completely unexpected way.

Loving God because of who He is

Through it all, God taught us the most important lesson we’ve learned in more than forty years of following Him. He alone, not a husband or a family, not a friend or occupation, no accolades or anointing, nothing on earth can satisfy my deepest desire except Him. God is everything we will ever need, and He will do whatever He has to teach us that truth.

I learned the hard way that His ways are not my ways, but His ways are always best…every. single. time.

Years give perspective

Years do give perspective, so be encouraged, friend. At the time, dealing with infertility and loss took me into a season of deep depression. I couldn’t grasp how a good God, a God who’s supposed to give good gifts, wasn’t giving me the good thing I so desperately wanted.

It makes total sense now. Jesus needed to teach me a profound and crucial lesson. My mistake during those years was wanting God solely for what He could give me. In His fathomless mercy, God taught me to love Him strictly for who He is, not for what He gives. I didn’t enjoy that time in my life, but I will be forever grateful because He took me through a maturing season that utterly changed my perspective and understanding of His grace.

Jesus knows

Whatever you think you want and aren’t getting, the baby, the job, the husband, the career, the following–whatever it might be–does Jesus get to decide? If you’re following Him, truly walking the narrow way with your face set like flint, can you trust Him with your future? Will you? I know how difficult it is, but let me encourage you with this today–He knows. But His way is the way of the cross, the narrow way that few find. Do you want to be one of the few? I’m certain you do. 

Keep following precious one. Where He’s leading you is good. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5