Precious child of mine. I don’t think of you nearly enough. I only knew about you for three days and then in a blur of pain, surgery and blood, you were gone.
I barely had time to celebrate your coming before I was mourning your unavoidable departure. You were, quite literally, “here today, gone tomorrow.”
You were maybe all of eight weeks old but you were growing in the wrong place inside of me. You were in my fallopian tube, not my uterus, what they call an ectopic pregnancy. You were in the wrong place but you couldn’t have known. I didn’t know either except, brief as you were a part of me, it never felt right, even for the short time I celebrated your existence.
I don’t know why I don’t think about you more. Maybe it’s just too painful, maybe I know there’s no point. Like David said after his son died,
“I shall go to him but he shall not return to me…” 2 Samuel 12:23.
Although I’m pretty sure you’re a ‘she’ and not a ‘he’. Don’t ask me how I know, I just know.
And as sure as I know anything, I know you’re alive right now. There’s just a thin veil that separates us, a veil that will evaporate one day. I know you’re waiting for me and your dad and I’m certain and sure you’ve met your other family members that have already made it to heaven.
You don’t know your big sister though, so I want to take a minute and tell you about her.
She was only 28 months old when you burst into and out of our lives that Labor Day weekend back in 1987. Monday September 7, that was the day you left us.
Your sister’s name is Francesca and she is an amazing daughter and a fabulous wife and mother of four adorable kiddos. You have three nephews, Eli, Isaac and Wyatt and one niece, Audrey. I’m certain they would have loved you and I know they will one day when they meet you in heaven. You should know, they love family dance parties so, get your dancing shoes ready!
Anyway, your sister, we call her Franny, she is beautiful and has long brown hair and big blue eyes. I bet you anything the two of you would have been inseparable BFF’s.
Franny loves to sing (she takes after me in that), she’s a great cook, she writes songs and can play guitar and she has a great sense of humor, just like your dad. She’s super smart and she loves Jesus with all her heart. I know she would’ve loved you too and you would have had the best big sister you could have asked for.
Maybe you’re on my heart because Mother’s Day is right around the corner and I’ve always wondered what life might have looked like if you’d lived. I have no idea how your life would have turned out but know your dad and I would’ve loved you dearly and protected you with everything in us. We would both have helped you find your purpose and live it out and applauded you from the sidelines.
I miss you sweet child. Dad does too. Oh, how you would have loved him! He’s hilarious, the smartest man I’ve ever met, he works incredibly hard and he doesn’t know a stranger. In fact, I call him ‘the mayor of everywhere’. He lays down his life for his family in ways no one ever sees and I just know he would have fought for you and you would’ve been his little princess.
I love you and I miss you. I’m so very sorry I never got to hold you in my arms or gaze into your eyes or stroke your hair or kiss your cheeks. We never got to play patty-cake or go to the park or read books together at night before bed. I miss all those things and so many more but I know this, no matter what comes in life, joy or sorrow, gain or loss, God is good, always.
I don’t know why He didn’t let me hold you or see you or raise you. I have a million questions that will only be answered on the day I see Him face to face. I don’t know why I never thought to give you a name. But I know you have one, Jesus named you and knew you before the foundation of the world and I look forward to finding out what name He chose for you. I know it will suit you perfectly.
Please know my precious child, I will never, ever forget you and I look forward to the day we are finally face to face! I will hug and kiss you and be with you forever and make up for all the time we missed. I can’t wait for the day you call me ‘mom’ for the first time and I so look forward to when you get to meet the rest of your family, your sister and niece and nephews, brother-in-law, cousins, aunts and uncles. I loved you briefly then…
…and I love you still.
For those of you who find Mother’s Day excruciating because of loss, please know that God knows exactly what you’re going through. He knows your pain and He feels your loss and He cares deeply about the child you never held. The bible tells us in Romans 11:33, “O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!” I wrote a post all about my struggle with infertility here. It might help.
We can’t begin to know all His ways but I trust that for reasons only He knows, God allowed in His wisdom what He could have prevented with His power. His ways are unsearchable and some things we just won’t know until we see Him. But know this, time gives perspective. The heartache does lessen, the tears that flow so easily now will one day slow to a trickle. Eventually, you’ll be able to celebrate a friend’s pregnancy and go to baby showers again. But until then, take your sorrow to Jesus, “…a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief…” (Isaiah 53:3) and let Him give you the peace only the Prince of Peace can give.
The Journey of Catch and Release
Oh, Kate! This is so beautiful. Thank you for this,,,,, sometimes we just need to remember., painful as it is. I’m in tears. I love you, friend. Happy Mother’s Day weekend.
Thank you Lynda! Happy Mother’s Day to you too! xoxo
Thank you dear Kate for another heart warming and most moving beautiful truth. Happy Mothers Day to you. You brought up a beautiful young woman and you should be very proud of the priceless attributes you instilled in Franny. Hugs of love and grace, Robin
Thank you so much Robin, I appreciate your kind words so much! Happy Mother’s Day to you too! Hugs 🙂
I am bawling right now?! I never knew this story but I’m so glad you shared. So heart warming and touched every feeling! I’m sorry for your loss. I was old enough for one of my moms miscarriages and it broke my heart to watch her heart breaking. I feel incredibly blessed to have two beautiful girls and that I have not had to endure such a heart break. I can’t even imagine! Even eight weeks you feel so much for that baby and the bond is already strong. ❤️ Beautiful words for such a beautiful time! Franny looks great and her children are just gorgeous! Blessings to you❤
You are so sweet Megan!! Happy Mother’s Day! And give your sweet mama a hug from me! Blessings 🙂
Kate your so right. You never forget them or completely get over the loss. I lost twin boys on March 15, 1962 at six months. Thank you for this post. It expresses my thoughts and feelings perfectly. Happy mother’s day.
Happy Mother’s Day to you too Elaine 🙂 You are so right, you never forget but thank the Lord that it does get easier. Blessings! xoxo
Goodness, Kate. You had no idea when you wrote this, your message would extend to TWO of my memories and losses. One was a baby that made it to 11 weeks and the other just 7. I was not yet a mother then and the pain…and despair for the future, were literally more than I could bear! I asked God if perhaps he didn’t think I should be a mother…thoughts were cruel. Fears were worse!
Mother’s Days were insufferably painful for me. I even left during a prayer at church once that recognized the mothers, but left out those who wanted to be. It hurt.
And you’re right, we DO move on. We forget, or at least the memory dulls a bit, fades….
The poignancy of your message is sweet and reminds me that I WILL get to hold these babies on the other side. Thanks for writing this!
Oh Michele, we have even more in common than I realized! I am truly sorry you had to go through such excruciating loss but thank God our hope in Him and in sweet reunion is real! No one can take that away. Thank you for your comments, I appreciate it and YOU so much! Hugs and happy Mother’s Day! xoxo
Thank you for writing this. I have two babies in heaven and I can’t wait for the day to meet them! Bless you and your family.
Oh Shelly, what a blessed reunion that day will be! Blessings to you! xoxo
So so touching. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Hannah! Blessings!
My daughter Hannah Rose passed away of a rare cancer June 2015 at age 22. She was a young woman of tremendous faith, courage, and grace. She was also the child of my heart and best friend who always held my hand throughout her too short life. Each day I awake with the new normal of my life without her and the shift in family dynamics (I have an older daughter Megan, age 29). We know that Hannah is in Heaven, healed and whole, but oh how I miss her. A piece of me is missing; the best part, until we are eternally reunited. I want you to know that your daughter’s song, “Holy Spirit” was so special to all of us those last few weeks and was played often as we saw our beloved Hannah Rose transition to Heaven. My friend Karen is a friend of your daughter’s and I know they were both praying for Hannah during that unbelievably, no words can describe it, time. I struggle daily with the heaviness on my heart as I still have such a difficult time accepting her loss. Yet, God is with me and will never forsake me. Romans 15:13 was my life verse during her illness and I cling to it still. I will NEVER accept her loss on this Earth, but I know He who holds the future has given Hannah the understanding why and someday when we are joyfully reunited, I will understand also. But, the physical and emotional ache of missing her is always with me and I live in two worlds; the present and the life with my Rose girl that was so incredibly sweet and blessed.
Dear Pat–I can’t begin to imagine the depth of your loss. I am so very sorry you are going through such a difficult time. But, your words prove your deep, unwavering faith and I know the Lord is holding you and your daughter Megan close to His heart. I’m so glad Franny’s song brought comfort during a difficult time. The Holy Spirit is closer than we can ever begin to imagine. Thank you for sharing your story with me, please know I’ll be lifting you and your family in prayer. Heaven IS real and I am certain one day you and Hannah Rose will be celebrating in heaven. I’m grateful for your transparency. Blessings–Kate xoxo
What a strong blessed woman you are! I know how you feel and know God will bring joy to us when we are united with unborn children in Heaven.
Francesca has been a blessing in my life by hearing and praying her songs to strengthen my faith. Her voice is beautiful and so glad she shares her faith through music. I hope to see her in May in Nashville. ????????
Thank you so much Mercedes! I’m so glad her music has been a blessing to you, her heart has always been to lift up the Lord and bring hope to the hurting. I appreciate your kind words. Blessings! 🙂