When was the last time you went through one of those seasons where everything you relied on, everything you thought was true, fell apart?
I’m talking about the big things. The job loss, the miscarriage, the divorce, the serious illness, the tragedies that sucker punch us one way or another and can’t be prayed away. The suffocating thing suddenly dropped in our laps where we can’t see anything good because of the bad. I wrote a whole post dealing with this here: When God Allows What He Could Prevent.
Our ‘blessing machine’ God allows life to come at us with all it’s ugly heartache and ferocious fury. Smacked in the face, our foolish ideas of who God is dissolve in a puddle of tears, crushing doubt and a thousand questions. Every concept of God we think we know gets chewed up and spit out, leaving us broken and questioning everything. While well meaning Christians speak the lie, “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
Yes He does. He does give us more than we can handle for one simple reason: we’re not supposed to handle it alone! If we could handle it what do we need God for? These crushing blows to our lives show us beyond a shadow of a doubt how truly helpless we are.
So, we rage. We cry. We plunge in the river of self-pity.
For me, the turning point came when I realized God wasn’t my personal ouija board, with me pushing Him around and around until He spelled out the future I desired. Years ago when I suffered a painful and life-threatening miscarriage and numerous failed adoption attempts, the hard truth was this: I was only going to have one child. You can read my story here.
“But God, I want a houseful!”
“One.”
“But I love chaos and big families!”
“One.”
“But I’m a great mom!”
“One.”
“If you really loved me, you’d give me the desires of my heart!”
“One.”
“You aren’t a good father. I would never do this to my child!”
“One.”
Oh, how ashamed I am now, years later, when His plan and path have become so clear! I was so blind, and blinded by pain, it took me a long time to see the one child I was raising had a world changing destiny. In my pain I forgot one little detail in my walk with the one who counts the hairs on my head, the fearful and wonderful maker of me. I forgot this unescapable truth:
It’s not about me.
In my time of trial and tribulation He taught me three main things, things I’ve treasured and tried to remember as other trials have come.
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He has a bigger plan than my happiness.
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He is thinking about the next generation.
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He wants me to want Him for who He is not what He gives me.
God’s ways of maturing us into His sons and daughters will always come as a surprise. He is raising us to be adults, not babies. He chastens to bring change. He will make me face myself in the midst of my greatest challenge and ask me one simple question:
“Am I enough?”
Like Job, (who really, don’t we all wish wasn’t in the bible because we want nothing to do with the life he experienced), can we honestly say, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”?
There may come a day when your biggest blessing, the thing you trust in more than God, disappears. And only one question will remain:
Beef Chili
Kate, will you pray for me? My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for a year and a half. We’re divided and unsure on what to do next. Whether to go with a plan our doctor thinks will work or give God more time to do things naturally. I personally cannot answer “Yes” to His question, “Am I enough?” It is shaking my faith and I’m scared.
Thank you, Kimmie
Hi Kimmie–Of course, it would be my honor to pray! I know well what you’re going through and it is so hard. If your doctor is recommending in vitro, just research it well so you can make an informed decision. I’m sure there are many methods today I’m unfamiliar with as my struggle was 25+ years ago. I am praying for peace for you and your husband. Philippians 4:6-7 has gotten me through many difficult seasons of decision, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” One meaning for this scripture suggests, “let the peace of God be your umpire.” So as you pray and make your decision, go where the peace is. He is our prince of peace and He will never guide us to the wrong decision. While you’re waiting, continue to press into Him. He is so good and He is 100% for you Kimmie. He knows the desires of your heart but He also knows the future that you can’t see. I’m praying you can rest in His goodness and I’m asking Him to give you a real sense of His presence and His deep love for you. I’ll be praying for you! Hugs & Blessings 🙂
My husband and I could use some prayer. Been trying to conceive two years now. I have irregular bleeding and bleed for months at a time. Birth control has not helped. We are very anxious to start a family. We have began taking fertilaid. Please pray for us. Thank you.
Miranda–I will pray! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be so hard but know, God has an answer for you. Hold on to hope!
Hello!
Your story and testimony touched me deeply! We so often lose focus and forget that God is all we need. I’ve been married for 3 years. And as I wanted to try to get pregnant, i was diagonosed with a dilated faloppian tube and doctors say I need an operation to close it, which will decrease even more our changes. I am praying for a miracle and want God’s hand to internet before having to undergo the operation. I dont want to lose that intimate moment with my husband because it has become a duty to get pregnant. I would appreciate your prayers. I know God has a plan and a perfet time for my life.
Mira–He really does have a perfect plan even when we can’t figure out what it is. I’m praying He gives you the desires of your heart and perfect peace as you wait on His will to be revealed. Keep your eyes fixed on Him and know He cares deeply for you and understands completely. Bless you!
Hi kate !
I just found your blog and reading this post it just bring me peace.
Me and my husband we are praying for a baby for 3 years.It hurts…but in the midst of our pain I still have hope…I wanna give up everyday and I keep on saying that I can t do this anymore ,I am tired to cry out…feels like I have no words remaining….but there is still a hope at the end of my prayer.
Please pray for us for strenght and patience ! God bless you !
Sweet Mary-keep trusting and know the Lord cares deeply about the desire of your heart. Trust His plan, however it works out for you. I’m praying He will fill you with peace and give you strength in the journey. Bless you!