It began almost 2 years ago. The holidays were over and, like a bad toothache, it hit me hard right out of the middle of nowhere, wrapping itself around my soul, smacking me hard in the face. Like a ton of bricks, unstoppable fear and anxiety overwhelmed me completely.
I’ve always been the strong one, the friend who’ll tell you to get over it, fight the good fight, face your fear, and if need be, do it afraid. I’m the tough cookie, the one who never gets frazzled, not overly emotional and not one drop of sentimentality. Not one drop. Compassion has never been my strong suit.
After dealing with anxiety for almost two years, that’s no longer the case. I cry at the drop of a hat and my ability to feel other’s pain has skyrocketed. But back in January 2016, I found myself in a position I’m not accustomed to: vulnerable, weak, terrified. I couldn’t do anything. Not. One. Thing. Because of unrelenting fear and anxiety.
It was real, tangible and it would not stop. I’d had a glimpse of it back in January of 2016 but good friends prayed for me and it evaporated and life returned to normal, or so I thought.
But fear has a funny way of taking advantage of weakness, weaseling it’s way in when life overwhelms. A lot was happening, I realize that now. My daughter was about to have her third baby, we’d put our house on the market again, my 94 year old mom began hospice care and I was trying to finish a book while preparing to speak to a group of women about The God Dare in California a few weeks later.
I call this past year my ‘broken year’ because most days I was a hot mess. I’ve never felt so weak in all my life. If you’re one of my subscribers you know I haven’t posted much at all. My only excuse is, I couldn’t. I found it nearly impossible to write and–get this–I have a second book already done but honestly, I couldn’t even go near it let alone write a blog post.
Prayer from trusted friends (who would patiently listen to my tearful rantings) helped a lot, and immersing myself in the Word, constantly listening to worship music and not allowing myself to be alone too much all helped. My amazing husband Mike didn’t seem to mind my needing to be with him in his office as he did his work or was on the phone. I couldn’t do much else and I couldn’t be alone.
What anxiety feels like
You know the feeling that hits when you’re driving in your car and suddenly a dog runs out in front of you so you slam on the brakes to avoid hitting it? That panicked dump of cortisol that hits your stomach with the ‘fight or flight’ feeling? Ok, now just imagine that feeling not going away. Constant waves of fear and anxiety, eating into your soul and spirit every moment of every day. That was my life for months and it scared the living daylights out of me. Maybe that was the point.
Fear paralyzes. It stops you from being able to do anything productive, even eat, in fact I lost five pounds in one week but not in a good way. I literally had no appetite and had to force myself to eat but absolutely nothing tasted good.
I know the enemy has done his best to stop me from writing what I need to write, saying what I need to say, teaching what I need to teach, and doing what I need to do. He took his best shot but the Lord has sustained me through it all.
Hope for the Hot Mess
I’m learning that the enemy doesn’t come to steal what I don’t have. He’s after my future, and he’s after yours too.
I’ve learned a lot in this last year. Honestly, not lessons I wanted to learn but lessons I needed to learn. If we’re going to go on with God, to grow deeply in our understanding of His ways, He’ll begin to entrust us with suffering, with sorrow, with pain.
For me, it manifested as crippling anxiety. If you’ve ever dealt with it you know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t, no amount of explaining will help.
In the midst of it, I made a big mistake. I got hooked on a prescription medication, Xanax to be precise. Now if you’re taking something for anxiety, believe me there is no judgement here…I know what you’re dealing with and I know how quickly relief can come with a pill. But for me, after a year of taking the lowest dose, I began experiencing frightening things. Every now and then I would wake up and honestly not know where I was or what I’d done the day before.
Once, in a huge hotel in New York City, I found myself wandering the halls in the middle of the night, in a waking dream. Thank God He led me back to our room (it was a BIG hotel) and I knocked on the door and my husband, utterly perplexed, let me in. After that, whenever we traveled, he would block the door to our room with a chair so I couldn’t get out and wander all over a strange hotel.
The Xanax affected my memory as well. There are still moments from last year I can’t recall. But beginning this past April, things settled down in our lives, I was able to wean myself off the Xanax and I’ve been drug free for more than 8 months. It’s hard but it’s not impossible.
During the worst of my anxiety, I prayed, begged, and cajoled God to take it away. He didn’t for quite some time because in His wisdom, He was trusting me with His silence. Sometimes, God allows in His wisdom what He could prevent with His power. But always, always for a purpose.
When God trusts you with silence it means He knows you can handle a deeper revelation about His purpose. You thought He was giving you a stone but you find He is giving you the Bread of life. His silence proves you can handle the deeper deeps. Silence (as long as you’re walking in obedience) is a sign of His intimacy.
Gods desires oneness with Himself. It takes time to develop but in the time of suffering, when the clouds grow thick and you can’t see the sun, when His voice disappears and the pain is real, don’t give in. Hold Him ever closer and you’ll receive far more than you ever imagined.
For those of you not experiencing anxiety, breathe deep and enjoy the mountain top. For those of us in the valley, look up and remember the mountain top. And breathe….deep. Enjoy the mountaintop but know you’re going to live out what you learn down in the “demon possessed valley”, as Oswald Chambers would say.
Because the valley is where real life happens. The valley draws you close, makes you strong, shows you who He really is. And more importantly, who YOU are. The valley separates the men from the boys. The ones who’ll pay the price to go deep versus the ones content to stay on the surface.
God did not promise life without struggle. Victory comes through battle and triumph only follows trial. Sometimes God will take away what we want in order to test us. When Paul said, “That suffering was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” (2 Corinthians 1:9), Paul knew God’s purpose was good. Paul was learning to trust Him more than life, to delight in Him more than in his own strength.
The bible doesn’t say we will never fear. But it does tell us what to do when fear attacks: “When I am afraid I will trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I think sometimes God will break you in order to remake you. For me, what helped was repenting of anything and everything I could think of (mostly holding judgement and needing to release it), forgiving anyone and everyone as far back as I could remember, and building myself up by speaking truth over my life. Remember, faith comes by hearing so don’t hesitate to speak God’s truth over yourself.
Here is the truth: Fear is our enemy. I’ve always believed you need to do the exact opposite of what fear tells you to do. If fear tells you to run, stand your ground. If fear tells you to cower, smack it in the face. If fear tells you to be quiet, shout louder!
Through it all God has taught me powerful lessons:
- God will unravel to reveal.
- He will disorder to re-order.
- He doesn’t want my self-sufficiency but only God-sufficiency.
- Fear is a liar.
She Laughs at the Future
Oh how I love the Proverbs 31 woman. She is everything I admire but one of the things I love most about her is this:
“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25
Matthew Henry, in his bible commentary, says this:
“She is invested with a moral force and dignity which arm her against care and worry; the power of a righteous purpose and strong will reveals itself in her carriage and demeanour. And thus equipped, she shall rejoice in time to come; or, she laughs at the future ( (Job 5:22; Job 39:7 Isaiah 30:8).
Psalm 46:5 says: “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when the morning dawns.”
I’m doing much better these days. Lots of prayer, thanksgiving, and worship help tremendously along with clean eating and avoiding toxins. I still have the occasional hard day but they are fewer and farther between. If you’re dealing with anxiety, keep trusting, hold tight to the one who knows your frame. Trust in His goodness and know His plans for you are good.
Here’s a picture from just this week of my husband Mike and I at a fun event in Nashville.
If you struggle with anxiety it would be my honor to pray for you!
xoxo
Kate
Baked Chicken Chimichangas
Thank you for sharing this, Kate! I, too, have walked through this valley! I am not completely back to the top of the mountain yet! But I can see the summit! Love to you and Mike and your precious daughter, Franny, and her wonderful family!!
Thank you Margie! Praying God gets you fully back to the top! Blessings!
I love you sister. That’s all. For now.
Thank you my friend. I love you too! I think you need to come to Nashville one of these days! Hugs 🙂
Kate, I am a subscriber and I’ve been waiting almost two years to read this post. You had hinted about what you were going through in previous posts at that time and I remember thinking, “I’m going through the same thing!” And I couldn’t wait to read your post about it, mainly to know that I wasn’t losing my mind and that there were others out there experiencing the same thing. Mine started in the summer of 2015 just after losing a close relative unexpectedly. Add to that that I had digestive issues, allergies and was trying to finish a fiction novel about spiritual warfare. Almost everything you described I experienced. The terrifying fear of being alone, which in my case couldn’t be avoided and happened quite a bit. I didn’t go see a physician so I didn’t have any prescribed medication, but that didn’t stop me from having nightmares. It was terrifyingly awful. But like you said God in His ever loving grace and mercy sustained me. It brought me so much closer to Him and His Word than I had been in a very long time. Scriptures on fear and God’s divine protection and His Faithfulness were infused into my mind and spirit like never before. Oh, and I learned so much. I also changed my diet in significant ways. It lasted for about a year, maybe a little more and today every now and then it pops up again. But God saw me through it once and I know He can do it again, so the fear and anxiety is not as strong and overpowering as it was before, but you’re right, the minute I seem to get overwhelmed it comes in for a sneak attack but I believe God has also been teaching me to do the same thing you mentioned above. Do the opposite of what fear is telling you. It is hard. So, so hard, Especially when I’m in the middle of it. But so freeing. God is so Good. Thank you for sharing your story, Kate. You have no idea how much it has blessed me.
Oh Kara, what a testimony of God’s goodness to you!! I’m so sorry you’ve struggled too but I’m so glad to hear how we battled it the same way–prayer, worship, God’s word. Nothing else will get us through! Bless you friend and thank you so much for sharing. Hugs!
Praying for you Kara! Praying for God’s strength to overtake you. Praying for His Love to shower down on you constantly. Weeping may endure for a night but JOY comes in the morning! I am struggling with some things, and I can’t quite put my finger on it but because the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, I choose to trust God…no matter what! Be blessed my sister.
Blessings to you as well, Rocquin! Praying now for you, dear one. May the new year bring unspeakable joy to you and your loved ones.
Amen! Thank you
Happy New Year to you as well! Be Blessed
I admire you Kate for sharing your struggle with anxiety and fear. I too have walked that walk many years ago but recently my youngest daughter age 45 experienced the same thing. She couldn’t drive her car or go to the store by herself and couldn’t work. Her issue was her hormones and in an effort to get them straightened out she went to her GYN
who compounded the problem by giving her a combination of hormones that was incorrect. It is now almost a year and she is finally doing better.
You always appear to have it together and I’m sure because you humbled yourself to share your story many will be helped. Love you and miss seeing you.
Kay–I’m sorry to hear about your daughter! Hormones can definitely be an influencing factor along with diet and nutrition. I’m so glad to hear she’s doing better, praise God!
Gosh, I so wish I had it all together! At this stage in life, God holds me together 🙂 Love and miss you too! xoxo
Kate,
I have to admit that I don’t always read all of your posts, I’ve been busy with my own life and issues that sometimes that is all I can focus on. I didn’t realize all that you have been going through and it makes me sad to know how hard it has been for you. It’s encouraging to know that you are coming out of it. Hopefully stronger and ready to face the world. You are on my heart now and I will be praying every day for your continued success. Love you guys!!
Oh Lynn….Bless you my friend. I know you’ve been going through a lot in this season and please know Mike and I are praying for you, especially this first Christmas without your ‘puzzle part’. Anytime you need a break, come to Nashville and rest awhile! Love and miss you! xoxo
Thanks sweety
Dear friend! More than one here in my house can relate to what you’ve shared. Even my husband, normally SO unaffected by anything, had a year of severe anxiety. Funny how coming to KNOW Christ actually works. Paul describes his own revelation in 2 Corinthians 10, when he says “when I am weak, THEN I am strong ” and “I glory in my distress.” Those are words I now understand a whole lot better and can tell you do also. God wants to exalt the strength, the security, the love of His Son. Without suffering, even the strange kind like you’re talking about, I would still just exalt myself. But not anymore. Jesus has come and His LOVE is better than life. Love you dearly.
Renee! So good to ‘hear your voice’ on here! You are so right, His strength is the only strength we ever need or that will ever be real. I’m sorry your hubby went through anxiety too but it seems to be everywhere lately…the enemy’s weapon of choice these days.
I had lunch with Kay the other day and we both agreed how much we miss you! Maybe a trip to Nashville one of these days, I have plenty of room! Love and miss you so!
I would truly love to get away and do this! I can’t tell when that will be because I am babysitting for Olivia’s son, Gabriel, two to four days a week and also a group leader in BSF Bible Study this year. Staying busy is good for me but bad for relationships like ours. I did want to follow up by saying that one of the reasons that I’ve not been very good at keeping my relationships current is similar in many ways to your own story of the past two years. But God is helping me and has given me meaningful work to do in His name (not because I chose to do it as I can hardly make a commitment to anything!) Studying the Bible (right now with BSF) and not just reading the Bible has proven crucial to my mental health and to my ability to live in such a chaotic world with so much sadness and disappointment. I appreciate your faithful friendship. And Kay’s. Jesus is SAVIOR and REDEEMER and MASTER. I will definitely be looking for an opportunity to come your way. Maybe we can even meet in Chattanooga for a very long lunch, a doable day trip. We also have a dear friend who has just had a baby and lives in Nashville. Olivia wants very much to see her and her new little girl. More of Jesus, Kate. Love you.
Oh that would be so wonderful if you and Olivia came to Nashville! We have plenty of room and would love to have you stay with us. I’m thrilled to hear you’re doing BSF. I did it for 7 years in Florida and absolutely loved it! Love you and can’t wait for the day we can be face to face! xoxo
THANKYOU THANKYOU for sharing this! I had the exact same experience about 10 years ago and then again about 5 years ago. It came out of nowhere and it changed me forever! It’s hard to explain to people the way this can affect you , and hard for them to understand it if they’ve not gone the it,, so reading your story was so encouraging.
I’m ok now, but I am a different person than I was before I experienced anxiety. Thanks again for sharing!
Gina–Thank you for your kind words! You’re so right, if you haven’t gone through anxiety you can sympathize but you’ll never truly understand what it’s like. I’m glad you’re better! I’m a different person too…much more dependent on His strength because my own strength gets me nowhere fast. The best thing about this struggle is it will draw you closer to Christ if you let it. Suffering transforms us and though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s the only way to go to the deep places with God. Bless you! xoxo
Kate
Thank you so much for this post !!!
Love you and your willingness to be so transparent by putting this out there … It will truly help and bless many woman !!! I have been there I can relate.
May you continue to find strength and peace from God ????
Thank you so much Ruth! Blessings to you! xoxo
Sweetest Kate
You are an inspiration to many! Thank you for sharing your heart and vulnerable testimony of daily struggles and overcoming them . You are the REAL deal my friend
Miss “ jamming sessions’ & cookie exchanges from back in “ the” days!! Have a very merry & blessed holiday season
Love Iris
Iris!! I miss you too! We had some fun times back in the day 🙂 I miss all that wonderful cajun food you and David used to make! If ever you’re heading to Nashville, let me know! Hugs and blessings! xoxo
Oh my goodness. I have always struggled on and off with anxiety. This past week has been an a real low for me. This has been a huge year for me… a breakup, moving on my own(finally), being forced into a situation where I had to deal with a narcissistic person I have desperatley tried to put my distance from. Still having people in my life that force me to deal with my ex, more then probably is normal endless you share children(which we do not.) Dealing with professional roughness, seeing friendships end. It’s been a big year, and my anxiety is in overdrive. Then i stress myself out about being anxious. I have a sezuire disorder which makes me worry my anxiety will bring a sezuire on. Your blog post came at the most perfect time. Thank you for sharing!
Denise-I’m lifting you up today and praying the Lord will strengthen you with His love. I’m so sorry for all the hardship you’ve endured this past year. But know that He is as close to you as your next breath! He loves you so! Blessings to you 🙂 xoxo
Kate thank you for this post. I have a family member that has been going through the same thing. She was in the hospital for pneumonia and diagnosed with advanced COPD. She has been a hot mess ever since. Please pray for her. Her name is Julia and we are praying for you.
Elaine–I am lifting Julia up right now. Praying God will strengthen her and give her His incredible peace! Bless you sweet Elaine!
Kate, there were so many layers of encouragement in your post. This year was my hardest ever. I can’t yet bring myself to talk about it publicly, but I will, someday. Meanwhile, your words blessed me deeply. I’m totally convinced that we authors and women in ministry are under major attack from our enemy. We must pray for one another!! Much love to you!
Sweet Amber! I agree wholeheartedly–women in ministry are under attack. I see it everywhere! I’m so sorry you’ve had a difficult year but I know, when the time is right, you’ll be released to share about it. Praying for the Lord to hold you in His arms today and strengthen you with His peace! Bless you my friend! xoxo
Thanks so much for this vulnerable post. I was diagnosed with post partum anxiety 3 years ago after the birth of my daughter. Over the last 3 years it has morphed into severe depression – that at one point landed me in a partial hospitalization program. The feelings of depression and anxiety are different, but the results are generally the same.
I have learned through all of this that God is still good, He’s still in control, and He never, ever wastes any part of our story. My story is still being written and depression is something I still struggle with, but if nothing else I have learned that God isn’t leaving me in the valley.
Sweet Sarah–I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety but the fact you know God is still in control is the key. Whenever He allows things like these in our lives, I truly believe it’s to draw us closer, to help us realize His strength is the only strength that’s real. Bless you Sarah. I’m praying for you today 🙂 Hugs!!
Sweet Kate, you have been on my heart for some time, even before reading this post. 2014-15 was my anxiety year. And even though it manifested itself differently for me in many ways, I completely resonate with how life-changing it was. Though I would not want to relive those most painful months, I am deeply thankful for them. The Lord is always kind. Always. Even in our darkest valleys. The things He worked in my heart and life during that time I now see as foundational to what He has done in the years since. Sending you all my love and prayers for continued healing and blessing as you confidently walk in joy and freedom to do the good work God has given you.
Becky, thank you so much for your kind words and prayers! I’m sorry to hear you had a bout with anxiety too but I’m glad you’re on the other side. Thankfulness is key, I believe. It’s in the dark times where we press in to know Him for who He is, not just what He does or for what prayers He answers. It’s where we mature in Christ and, hopefully, begin to look more like Him. I too am thankful for that season but hopeful I don’t revisit it any time soon! Hugs! xoxo
Once again you have blessed me.! As I type this through tears I know that God is able, regardless of what it looks like. I have been struggling with many things for a long time but the more I go through, I am starting to believe (or tell myself) that God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers!! My testimony is going to be huge! 🙂 I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will receive beauty for ashes! Be Blessed!
Kate, Thank you for being transparent with your struggles. I have always struggled with fear and anxiety. I went through deliverance at a church years ago when Randy and I lived in Arizona back in the 80’s and 90’s. My fears and anxiety all began in my childhood. Bad dudes of fear and anxiety had attached themselves to me back then. The enemy knows our weaknesses. We are more than conquerers because of who we are in Christ. You are so pretty and precious Kate! I will pray for you.
Dear Rose! Thank you for your sweet words! Anxiety and fear are liars doing their best to make us believe God is not with us every second! I have to remember, when anxiety hits, that Jesus is with me in it and it’s a trap from the enemy to make me believe God doesn’t really care. This coming year I’m determined, I will not be shaken anymore!! Bless you Rose, praying for you too! xoxo